God, I’m so scared.
I’m driving home from the movie theater.
Actually my son, Jeremy is driving.
He drives so fast at times. Most of the time. He darts into spaces I would never consider. He drives close to the car in front of him at high speeds. It feels as though we will crash. At the last second he darts into the other lane.
I quietly scream out “Jeremy slow down or Jeremy watch out.” As quickly as I release my anguish we are in the next lane. Safe. For the moment we are safe. But still we are driving. At high speeds.
I recite the “wrap in white light” prayer many times silently.
“The white light of God surrounds us, the love of God embraces us, the strength of God protects us, the wisdom of God watches over us. Where ever we are, God is, and all is well”.
This is my mantra. I use it when I remember but always while afraid. Fear releases it from my memory instantaneously. It calms me.
But still I sit quietly in the backseat, alone, thinking how scared I am. Only this time it is a more general overall scared. We are driving on the exit and my life is no longer under immediate danger.
The experience opens the door for an even greater fear. One that will never leave me as long as I am alive. “God I am so scared.” I remember the depth of my fear I have for my children.
Every moment of their lives feels as though they are walking in a field of land mines. There is no direct war in my country. No real physical land mines, but land mines just the same.
Every time they get into a car or a bus or a plane I know there are dangers. Dangers of what one bad move can do. Danger when they go out to a bar or a dance or these days just going to school.
I pray their guardian angels are on there side. But I am sure that youths that have passed away had their guardian angels on their side. I watched Ruby Rutnik grow up. She was a vibrant happy child. A beauty for the eye to behold. When she was 21 years old she was a passenger in a car that crashed. She broke her neck and died instantly. I know her guardian angel was there. But still she died. So the comfort of a guardian angel cannot hold me.
It has to be something greater than that. Something deeper.
How about these; will these comfort me?
Khalil Gibran, in his book The Prophet said:
“Your children are not your children, they are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”
Or, “you cannot begin to understand the scope of the universe and its purpose. We all have a purpose in this life and only God knows when that time is over.”
Or, “they lived a rich, loving life.”
These have all been used by me at one time or another. They calm me when I am mostly calm already.
But moments like this, where I have taken a small fear and built it into a mountain, moments like this are hard to calm.
So I decide to not calm it but to explore it; open the hole of fear up a little wider in hope of understanding it.
I try to open my heart hole and feel inside. The fear covers the heart hole. It is like a shield of protection. The fear is protecting my heart so it won’t hurt so much.
A little protection is good and important. It should be like a fine mist or like eye lashes flickering over the eye.
But I have somehow put a heavy iron shield over my heart.
This is why when I find myself in this moment of vulnerability I can use it to my advantage. I can use this moment of vulnerability if I take the time to do so.
Today I take the time.
I peak inside and look at the fear.
Then I ask myself what would happen if I removed the shield for this one thought. Just this one little thought. Would my fear come true? Will I die or will one of my children die in that very moment when that fear is exposed.
I move the shield away from my heart, stop and look around…I am still alive. So…
The answer seems to be No…No they will not vanish from me.
I open it a little further.
Am I protecting them from future accidents? No, I believe this fear is not protecting them.
I allow myself to remember that they are separate spirits. We are separate souls that have our own reasons for existing. They came through my body to be on this earth.
I was the passageway. . I was the one to feed and nurture them but I am not the one that controls their destiny.
I am not them. They are not me.
Intellectually we know this, but emotionally we forget this. Emotionally we feel we are in control of their lives. We are the reason for every thing they do. Good and bad. We are the one that has to move the strings in the right and proper direction.
But on a deep soul level we understand this is not true. We remember we are here to nurture and that is all. Our children are not attached to us by any strings. We cannot control anything. We can only love them. They have there own destinies. They have there own life lessons.
It is important for us to remember this and to trust the higher force of understanding.
This is what I see when I tear open my heart.
This is what I remember.
A deep sigh releases from me. It is acceptance, trust and resignation braided together.
I can move forward in life less fearful for now.
I allow that fear to release to the higher universe that can understand and embrace it and turn it into love.
I imagine it fluttering away like a butterfly.
I know that fear has a place of importance in my life, like every single thing. Everything of light and darkness has its place of importance.
I embrace it; I give it thanks and then release it to the universe of higher understanding.
As a side not to this post, my son really drives safe, he has a much better eye than me for where the traffic is and what is going on. When I am not at the wheel and in control all actions seem exaggerated, all movements seem extreme when considering for 20 years I lived on an island 9miles by 9miles and no traffic signals.
Do you have any stories of your fears and how you help to overcome them? I’d love to hear them.