A fertility story

Birth is like snowflakes, no two are alike.
I have said this a million times but what I should of repeated along with it is:
Getting pregnant is like snowflakes, no two fertility stories are the same.
Telling stories has a purpose. It helps us understand the human side to life.
Here is my human side to fertility.

I have four children but getting pregnant wasn’t a fast thing for my body. I always had far apart periods; 30 to 45 days apart (the average was every 28 days just like the full moons). I did not use birth control but only got pregnant once a year. To be clear there were lots of opportunities for the squiggly sperm to make its journey to the robust egg. I am pretty sure the egg was feeling fine but just didn’t want to be bothered. SHE (the egg) seemed to love the month of July. She got very social that month because in July 1979 she danced with the squiggly guy. Unfortunately two months later the pregnancy ended. Another year goes by and every month SHE didn’t want to be bothered until July came. But again, two months later the pregnancy ended. Another year goes by and after months of keeping HERSELF closed off, July comes and she danced, and nine months later my first child was born. Breastfeeding kept HER from dancing three months later (July) but SHE couldn’t hold back any longer the following July, seeing as I had just stopped breastfeeding, and nine months later my second son was born.

What I am hoping to relay to other women is not the sensual dance of the egg but the fact our body’s are not always reading the science journals. They usually react a certain way but sometimes they just dance to their own set of musicians. If I was trying to plan my life out and get pregnant in say…August, I would of been pretty fearful or untrusting of my body by June. That would be 10 months of waiting. By 10 months I would of thought my body was malfunctioning. At this point, if I was a planner, I would of been reading the text books, doing my research and probably already been to my OB/GYN to see why my body was failing me. I might of already taken some new drug that might solve my “problem”.

What I wouldn’t of know was that I didn’t have a problem. That my body did know how to carry a baby just fine. That my body knew how to birth a baby just fine. It just had it’s own time schedule.

Even the miscarriages that I had were natures way of knowing what my body needed. I do not have a scientific reason as to why they happened. I think that the formation of their little bodies were possibly not happening like they needed to or my body was not ready to be a mama yet. I do not know. The experience did prepare my emotions to understand the process of being a mother. It allowed me a very slow transition into caring for a child on a daily basis. I view it as perfect for what my life journey is and was.

Fast forward six years and I am in a new relationship and we both really want a child together. After a year and a half go by with us trying to wake the egg up and get her dancing, NOTHING. So I decide to add some chemistry into the situation, my own natural drug Dong Quai in tincture form. I took that and did Kundalini Yoga for two weeks straight. BOOM. The egg was twerking. Now I know it may of had nothing to do with the tincture or the yoga but  I do think, if nothing else, the yoga relaxed me enough into being more chill overall. Chill enough to allow my body the space it needed. I was pregnant once again. I actually thought maybe my body could not do the whole pregnant thing again. That it had retired from that department. Even though I had two children I had yearned for another. So I can relate to others that yearn for a little one in their lives. But the egg had decided to dance after all and nine months later a little boy was born.
My body had shifted over the long break. Had I thought my body was malfunctioning I might of really thrown things off by interrupting it with artificial drugs. I will never be sure what would of happened with allopathic drugs and to be clear, I do think there are cases where they have helped others.  For my story, the only story I have,  I am grateful I was patient. This story is to remind us how different we all are, that we are not text books, we are women with multi prisms stories.

My lesson in surrender was not over. This story has two sides to the coin. The side where I have to let go to get pregnant and the side where I have to let go after getting pregnant. We thought we were done after three boys but unbeknown to me my egg decided to twerk again a year and a half later. This was with us being very careful not to bother HER. Great strides were taken not to send any rhythm HER way. In my mind I was done. My mind thought my body did not have it in her to be pregnant one more time, let alone raise another baby into a little person. But the planning mind once again does not always know what the actual life journey of my human experience needs. Nine months later a little girl arrived in my world. I needed this little girl to be part of my life. I surrendered to this life experience and my heart song got a lot stronger. I had the joy of four children to follow me around like little ducklings follow the mother duck. For years I got to waddle this way and that and they just waddled along with me. Now they are all making their own journeys in life.
I just wanted to share this with whomever finds its journey useful. Thank you and please share so OUR woman stories vibrate into the future.

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Get out of our own way.

talk to soulSo this meme was on Soul Seekers Facebook page.  Rebekah is a friend and her page often has uplifting or soul searching post. I sent it to a friend who recently has vertigo pretty bad for about a week. We did some work together to relieve her lingering symptoms and it seemed to work. This meme resonated to me for her.
Here is some more thought on this.
To get out of our way is such a tough one. We are told to push ahead and push and push. This needs to happen but I think our definition of push needs to be refined now and again. I think having a plan is good. Moving forward is good. Following up with things in a timely manner is key.
(So now I need to shift the conversation from my life perspective.)

But so often I just have to step aside and let the chips fall. If I am really attached to something happening, it is often a sign I am pushing too hard. Once i relax into it, let go of weather it needs to be in my life or not. Let go of the fear of it not being there. This is where the sweet spot lies. This is where it either will or will not happen (after I have lined all I can line up for it to happen). When it happens I get excited, when it doesn’t happen I am not devastated. So often, if it doesn’t happen, later on I can so see how it really wasn’t the right path. But if  I slack and never line it up then I often think back and wonder what it would of been like had I lined it up. A mourning of sorts. I am working on letting those go also. But learning to step it up if it is really something I want in my life. Which circles around to letting the results of this ‘stepping up’ go. Walk the path but be prepared for the path to end or veer off in a direction you never new existed. But also be ready for the path you envisioned to be there in all its glory. 

Jammie dancing

jammies

I wrote this after reading a post from a woman who was inspired by a 90 yr old woman. It listed 20 things she advised to live a happy life. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the suggestion of put your makeup on and dress nice every morning when you wake up even if you have no where to go. I have spent the last eight years not having to work anywhere for what one would call a real job. I have many projects, some make me money and some don’t. I love dressing up in fun clothing, sometimes conventional, sometimes pretty wild. I also love staying in my jammie’s all day.

I am very happy with my life and feel really good about myself. I take offense at people thinking they have to be “presentable” to others to feel good about themselves. What does that even mean? Men go every day not wearing makeup. I love a man’s face and I love a woman’s face. I love when people decorate their faces, it is fun and often beautiful. I just don’t see it as a day to day neccesity.  I also don’t think it should be on a list of what women should do to be happy. I would of loved it if it had been on her personal list of what made her happy but not as a recommendation to all woman.

I actually took pause for a moment after reading this list, and like any good person that listens to ones elders wisdom, I pondered this message and thought maybe I have been doing it all wrong. I pondered it for a very short ponder and shook it off and started dancing with my headphones on and watched my reflection dancing in the turned off T.V.